Goal #1: Achieved!

My goal starting out for the month of September was to lose 8 pounds. That averages out to 2 pounds per week, and would bring me back down to about 170 pounds which is what my weight has been, pretty consistently, for the last year.

I am happy to say that as we crossed into October over the weekend, so did the scale.  It is hovering right now between 170-171 (started at 179).

I’m calling it a success!

However, my underlying problems are still there.  Several times I have over-eaten simply because I wanted to.  It simply balanced out the fact that I was barely able to eat for several days.  For the last 2 weeks or so, I have not even counted calories because I was eating such small amounts of random things.

But today I am back to counting, as I know that’s the only way to help me achieve the next set of goals.

October Goals: 

Weight: 162 pounds by October 31, 2011 (this will be an 8-9 pound loss)

How:

-Yoga once a week (I’ve been lacking in this area and really need to step up my yoga game)

-Turbofire (HIIT!) and running (I’m stuck in week 3 of the C25K plan and will be until I can run at the speed I want (~11min/mile) without dying).

-Aim for 1500 calories/day

Reward: a 90-minute massage! I recently bought a Groupon for one, and am SO stoked to use it once I successfully complete this goal!

What is your favorite way to reward yourself? Mine has always been food, so I’m striving to find other things that will motivate me as much!

 

The Breakup Diet

The skinniest times of my life have been following a traumatic breakup.  This is because, while I do have a problem with over-eating, the opposite is true during times of high stress involving my heart.

Instead I have zero appetite.

After my first serious relationship ended, I survived on nothing but Saltines and tuna-fish for weeks.  I lost 15 pounds or so, which was great, but dealing with the heartbreak was not.

After my 2nd serious relationship ended, I didn’t eat anything for days until a friend forced me to eat a large Mcdonald’s fry.  It was the only thing that sounded good at the time. I lost weight then too, and was down to 145 or so which is probably my lowest weight since my teenage years.

After my 3rd serious relationship ended (are you noticing a pattern here?) I actually didn’t lose much weight, but that’s only because the anxiety and pain from that was dragged out for so long that I would’ve simply starved had I not eaten.  And actually, it’s still being dragged on slightly.

Hence my zero appetite for the past couple of days. Since this is a minor setback, I’m not expecting it to last long or cause much weight loss-although let’s just be honest here, I wouldn’t be opposed to it.

I know some people overeat in times of high stress, but when it comes to emotional pain, all I do is cry and write.

Are you an ‘ice-cream-eater’ after a break-up or are you like me and have no desire for food?

Bertha

I will be the first to admit that I have some weird motivational tips.  Now, I do have some normal ones, and I’ll start with those:

I like finding pictures of fit women who have a similar body type to mine, but are (obviously) in much better shape and putting them around my apartment, computer, etc…

To others the fact that I have pictures of random women all over the place probably makes me look like a lesbian, which I’m not, but what can I do? Think what you’d like folks.

I also write my goals down and keep them visible to me.  This has helped me reach a lot of goals, although obviously losing weight has not been one of them.

I sign up for races (a 5K usually) to keep myself motivated and give me a reason to run on a regular basis.

But lately (here comes the weird one) what’s been motivating me the most is my ex-boyfriend’s current “girlfriend.” Now, I use the term girlfriend in quotations because while she may think she is his girlfriend, I know for a fact that he is sleeping around on her.  I also know for a fact that he was already dating her when he started dating me. Classy, I know.  I also know that she knew he was dating other women, and has still stuck around for several years now.  And-here’s the kicker-I also know that he tells everyone she is just his “friend” and people believe him because, well, he’s pretty hot (although clearly a douchebag) and she is…simply disgusting. And I’m not saying that because I’m jealous.  I will be the first to admit that she is one of the few women who I simply cannot stand.  I think she is a terrible person who lies, manipulates, and does whatever she needs to do to get her way.  But if I looked like her, I’d probably have to do the same in order to find a man.  And ultimately, it is not my dream to be in a fake relationship with someone who doesn’t value me and thinks it’s OK to sleep with other women.

But hey, some women simply have no self-respect.

A friend of mine described this person as “hideous” and while I agree, I can think of plenty of other words as well.

And the icing on the cake is her name.  If you Google “ugly girl names” this one will most certainly pop up.  However, for the sake of privacy, we shall call her Bertha.

Trust me, it’s fitting.

Bertha is short, and fat. MUCH fatter than me. And also a bit shorter.

Bertha chomps her food with her mouth open.  Imagine a cow chewing its cud.

Bertha curses and talks so loudly, you’ll want to cut off your ears to spare yourself the idiocy.

Bertha is covered in *ugly* tattoos. Across your chest? Back? Arms? She’s got all of the above. And they’re not the nice kind.

Bertha wears hideous clothes to “accent” her best feature, which she seems to think is her breasts that hang down to her belly-button.  It’s not a good look, Bertha. Not a good look.

Bertha is not one of those girls who you can say “at least she has a pretty face.”

She does NOT have a pretty face.  I pinky swear.

Now, how does this work to my advantage? Well, I see her as weak.  Weak enough to stay in a bad relationship (no man is worth that, honey), and clearly weak enough to not be able to lose weight.

And that, my friends, is the only thing we have in common.

So, when I want a brownie or a pound of macaroni and cheese, I picture Bertha.  I think “Bertha would eat the brownie. And I’m better than Bertha,” and then, I don’t eat the brownie.

Or “Bertha wouldn’t go for a run…she’s too lazy” and then before I know it, I’m off running!

I’m sure this is somewhat twisted, and a very weird way to motivate myself, but it works for me.

And now, I know you might find it weird of me to criticize another based on looks, but the bottom line is if she was a nice person, all those things are overlooked.  But she’s not nice. Not even a little bit.  And that’s why this blog is anonymous-so that I can be completely honest without worrying about what people think.

I want to get it all out there. Uncensored.

Actually, that might be Bertha’s motto too.

Comfortable With My Fat

I am comfortable with my fat. 

I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense, but it’s true.  Not that I like it or that I feel comfortable in my own skin-because I don’t.  But I’m used to it.  I’ve been overweight as long as I can remember, so I don’t know what it’s like to look down and not see your own stomach bulge.

I don’t know what it’s like to not edit your own pictures or only use the ones where you’re at the proper angle so you look “skinny.”

I don’t know what it’s like to not be the “fat friend” in the group.

I don’t know what it’s like to not think about my weight all the time.

But at the same time, as much as I hate all these things, they are normal to me.  They are what I am used to.  They are what I’ve done for so long I don’t know how not to do them.

And as much as I want them to change, and as much as I want my stomach to be flat and my thighs to stop rubbing together, I am afraid.  Because I don’t know what it’s like.  As much as I abhor my fat, it is a part of me and has been for so long.

I had an ex-boyfriend who would squeeze my stomach fat in his fist and I would always grimace when he did it. And he would say “Don’t make that face, it’s there and I’m gonna grab it. I love every part of you.”

But I don’t love every part of me.

I just don’t know any other way.

Sleep Is Good!

Just checking in with a quick post! For the past few days I’ve been focusing on getting enough sleep (read why here) and cutting back my work hours and I’m happy to report that it seems to be working!

I feel better, I’m not hungry all the time, and I find it easier to ignore any cravings I may have. Although I do feel that my cravings are fewer as well!

I’m still figuring out how to get the reports I want from SparkPeople so bear with me as I attempt to figure that out so I can share my info with you.

Also, a few more updates:

I now have a Facebook page!

You can follow me on Twitter! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Losing Sleep + Gaining Weight?

In a society filled with tricks and tablets and weird grapefruit/cabbage diets all claiming to be the next “cure-all” for fat people, I’ve come across some interesting research that actually seems to have some merit.

So far on this blog, in addition to discussing that I have a problem with Emotional [Over] Eating (and delving into some possible reasons for this) I’ve also mentioned that I am working a crazy schedule of 70ish hours per week.

What I haven’t really mentioned is that lately I feel hungry almost all of the time.  And by lately, I mean in the last 1-2 months.  Now here’s some interesting facts:

• Two months ago is when I took on an extra project that catapulted my normal 40-hour work week into the 60-70 hour work week.
• Two months ago is when I started getting less and less sleep to accomplish everything in my life.
• Two months ago is when I started gaining [more] weight. (I’ve gained 9 pounds in two months, which is a lot considering I haven’t changed my eating habits much at all).

So, I’ve been using SparkPeople to track my calories/fitness/weight, and have also perused their site for advice and read through some forums written for/by other emotional eaters like me. Somewhere along the way I stumbled across an article mentioning lack of sleep and its effects on weight gain.

A light-bulb went off.

So I did a bit of research.

From Wikipedia:

Weight gain/loss

In rats, prolonged, complete sleep deprivation increases both food intake and energy expenditure, however a hormone imbalance is observed, leading to weight gain and ultimately death.^[1]

Several large studies using nationally representative samples suggest that the obesity problem in the United States might have as one of its causes a corresponding decrease in the average number of hours that people are sleeping.^[44][45][46] The findings suggest that this might be happening because sleep deprivation could be disrupting hormones that regulate glucose metabolism and appetite.^[47]

The association between sleep deprivation and obesity appears to be strongest in young and middle-age adults. Other scientists hold that the physical discomfort of obesity and related problems, such as sleep apnea, reduce an individual’s chances of getting a good night’s sleep.

Sleep loss is currently proposed to disturb endocrine regulation of energy homeostasis leading to weight gain and obesity. A reduction of sleep duration to 4 h for two consecutive nights has recently been shown to decrease circulating leptin levels and to increase ghrelin levels, as well as self-reported hunger. Similar endocrine alterations have been shown to occur even after a single night of sleep restriction.

In a balanced order, nine healthy normal-weight men spent three nights in a sleep laboratory separated by at least 2 weeks: one night with a total sleep time of 7 h, one night with a total sleep time of 4.5 h, and one night with total sleep deprivation (SD). On a standard symptom-rating scale, subjects rated markedly stronger feelings of hunger after total SD than after 7 h sleep (3.9 +/- 0.7 versus 1.7 +/- 0.3; P = 0.020) or 4.5 h sleep (2.2 +/- 0.5; P = 0.041). Plasma ghrelin levels were 22 +/- 10% higher after total SD than after 7 h sleep (0.85 +/- 0.06 versus 0.72 +/- 0.04 ng mL(-1); P = 0.048) with intermediate levels of the hormone after 4.5 h sleep (0.77 +/- 0.04 ng mL(-1)). Feelings of hunger as well as plasma ghrelin levels are already elevated after one night of SD, whereas morning serum leptin concentrations remain unaffected. Thus, the results provide further evidence for a disturbing influence of sleep loss on endocrine regulation of energy homeostasis, which in the long run may result in weight gain and obesity.^[48]

And here’s an excerpt from an article on WebMD:

…Exactly how lack of sleep affects our ability to lose weight has a lot to do with our nightly hormones, explains Breus.

The two hormones that are key in this process are ghrelin and leptin. “Ghrelin is the ‘go’ hormone that tells you when to eat, and when you are sleep-deprived, you have more ghrelin,” Breus says. “Leptin is the hormone that tells you to stop eating, and when you are sleep deprived, you have less leptin.”

 More ghrelin plus less leptin equals weight gain.

“You are eating more, plus your metabolism is slower when you are sleep-deprived,” Breus says…

I know that I require 8 hours of sleep to function normally (AKA be pleasant), but I never gave much thought to it affecting my weight.  Lately, I get about 6 hours of sleep a night, and sometimes even less than that.  With the exception of the weekends, I am shorting myself on every night!

In lieu of this, and putting the needs of my body first and foremost, I’m arranging my schedule to work more on weekends, and less during the week so that I can make sure to get 8 hours of sleep every night.

I’ll report back in a week or so to see how this is affecting me, with regards to my feeling hungry and also on the scale.

Tested: The Happy Hour Buzz

Last night I went out with a friend for happy hour.

First of all, I should mention that going out results in slight anxiety on my part.  What will I eat? How will I count the calories? If I have a drink (or two), will I overeat afterwards? Is it worth it to waste calories on alcohol, even if it is only occasionally? 

Second of all, since I’ve gained roughly 9 pounds in the last month or two, I don’t even feel comfortable in my own clothes.  I know that at 170 pounds I was overweight, but at 178-179 I just feel gross.

So we ate sushi. And drank wine. I had two glasses.  And then I went home.  I pondered going to workout (I should have done an hour of cardio yesterday) but the wine had made me so sleepy.  And, while I wasn’t hungry, I wanted to eat.  I wanted to stuff my face with a goat cheese/bean quesadilla.  Or brownies.  And go to bed early from a carb + wine induced coma.

My mind wrestled with this, back and forth.

“Just eat it, you know it will taste soo good”

“No, I have to focus on my goals”

“But imagine the soft, salty cheesiness.  It will be amazing.  You’re already fat.”

“But I don’t want to be fat anymore. And if I eat it, I will feel awful afterwards.”

“You know you’re going to eat it. You’re weak. You always give in. You can’t lose weight.”

And so on this inner monologue went. Then I thought of this blog.  And how, if I did overeat, it would be in vain.  I wouldn’t achieve anything except putting myself farther and farther into this misery of my own creation.  I didn’t want to have to come here and report that I engaged in gluttony.  I didn’t want to hate myself or feel I let myself down.

And then I went to sleep.  Without overeating.  I did fall asleep dreaming of pillowy cheesy clouds and soft doughy tortillas, but I didn’t eat them.

I woke up about five hours later, around 1am, starving. Like, completely and utterly hungry. I pushed it out of my mind and attempted to go back to sleep.  For an hour I lay there thinking of ways to get myself to fall back asleep.  Eventually I gave up, turned on the TV, and decided I should eat something. So I ate a 150-calorie (homemade, vegan) brownie.  And at 2am was still hungry.  So I reasoned the best approach was just to eat my breakfast extremely early.  And once I ate it, I was full, and fell back asleep until it was time to wake up. 

The only problem was, I woke up hungry.  And I had already eaten breakfast.  So I had something small and went to work.  Once at work I plugged in everything I had eaten, including my early morning snack and both breakfasts.  The calorie count came to much higher than normal for breakfast (775 calories-about 350 more than usual) but I’ve factored it into my daily calorie count and, as long as I exercise and eat a light veggie-filled dinner, I should be fine to stay on track.

So overall, I’m calling it a success.  I did not indulge myself like I wanted to despite my lowered inhibitions from the wine.  

We’re planning a girls night out this weekend though, and I’m already nervous.

Bullies + Brownies

I’ve already admitted that I have a problem with emotional eating.  It wasn’t a welcome admission, although it does feel somewhat freeing to own up to something I think I’ve sub-consciously known for a long time.

I can’t be sure if this is when it started, but I vividly remember coming home from school during middle/high school and…well…eating.  And watching soap operas.  I was, to put it mildly, an unfortunate-looking teenager-so awkward, no fashion sense, and to top it off I was one of the tallest girls in my class for a long time.  Ironically, now I’m only 5’3″ or so.  Even at a young age (10?) I felt fat.  Which, looking back, wasn’t really true.  I was taller then most of my peers, but I wasn’t fat.  What I was observing to be “fat” was in fact simply “taller” than everyone else.  I felt huge though.  In my mind, I was already overweight, so I saw no reason to not eat like it.  But the truth us, had I continued to observe normal eating habits, I would have most likely been one of those girls who was a bit chubby and then grew out of her “baby fat” in her later teens completely naturally.  But that didn’t happen.

Add to the mix living in a very small town with limited opportunities for fun and socializing, and the fact that I was picked on horrendously throughout middle school and into high school, and it’s really no surprise-when you add everything up-that I turned to food for comfort.

A friend and I would share a bag of Doritos after school like it was nothing.  Or more likely, as I was usually home alone for several hours after school, I would make a batch of brownies and eat half the batter before it even made it into the oven.  Or cookies.  Or chips.  My mom never kept terrible junk food in the house, but I learned to cook at a young age and was always able to make do (and by ‘make-do’ I mean create something completely unhealthy) with whatever we had on hand.

I was always full by the time dinner rolled around, but I would eat it anyways simply because I didn’t want her to wonder why I wasn’t eating.  I’m not sure if she noticed that the chips were always gone or the cocoa powder (for brownies) was disappearing at rapid rates, but she never said anything to me.  And I was an only child so it’s not like anyone else could have been eating it.

Those girls who picked on me made me feel awful about myself.  They made me feel ugly, awkward, fat, and useless.  They kept me from trying out for the sports teams that probably would have taught me to love exercise at a younger age.  And-I’ll be honest-it was a long time before I learned to break out of that ‘victim’ mindset.  I was seriously convinced that I would be ugly forever, and that’s a lot of weight (no pun intended) for a 15-year old to carry.

Luckily, while I can admit that I used to be “unfortunate looking” or “homely” as a teenager, now I am not.

I am a beautiful girl (stuck in a fat girl’s body).

And working my way out.

 

Tips To Curb Emotional Eating

My urge to stuff my face with pasta, cheese, and other carb-y comfort foods is strong.

I love the doughy, slightly chewy yet comforting texture of pasta.  The way it’s soft on your tongue, slightly melts in your mouth, and swallows down oh-so-smoothly.  If it’s extra hot-so hot that I can feel it *slightly* burning as it slides down my throat and into my stomach-it’s even better.  It’s like the same feeling as when you’re snugly wrapped in a blanket on a cold day.

Comforted. Delicious.  Safe.

 (Source)

I drool over the salty tang of hot, gooey, melty cheese.  The way it coats your mouth and throat with its richness and succulent flavor. On pizza, on bread, on pasta-it’s all perfectly delicious in my mouth book.

There’s nothing wrong with loving these foods, but it’s not normal to eat so much of them that you find it hard to breathe for several hours because your stomach is so full.  Which is what happens when I indulge myself.

I think it’s clear that I’m using these foods as a substitute for something.  Or to help me deal with something.  After all, it’s called “comfort food” for a reason.  But what is the reason? What am I missing in my life? Why do I need comfort?

After some soul-searching, I think it would be my work schedule.  I am working 70ish hours a week, and I am tired all. the. time. The idea of going home on a night off, crawling into my bed, popping in a DVD and eating until I fall asleep sounds simply wonderful and relaxing to me right now.  Even though I know it’s unhealthy.

This is not to say that, when I was working less, I didn’t overeat or overindulge.  But perhaps then I did so for another reason.  It seems right now that my work schedule is the cause behind my *current* emotional eating pattern. Luckily for me I can see the end of this hectic schedule and in a month or so my life will be returning to a semi-normal state.  Where I can get 8 hours of sleep a night.  And where, I’m sure, there will be a whole new reason behind overeating.

In the meantime, I’m working on some alternatives to face-stuffing:

• Drink hot (hot!) tea.  This will achieve the same ‘warm and fuzzy’ feeling without being harmful to my diet.
• Write/blog about my feelings (hi)
• Imagine how I will feel afterwards if I do overeat-ashamed, disappointed, embarrassed, frustrated-in the hopes that it will prevent me from doing it.

What are your strategies for overcoming emotional eating?

Being Fat Comes First

The other day a friend of mine mentioned that Halloween was coming up, and that a bunch of us should all wear similar costumes.  Another friend of mine has a bunch of old Hooter’s uniforms and she suggested we all try to wear one of those.

My first thought was not “That sounds great!” or “Awesome, I can’t wait!”

Nope.

My first thought was “I won’t fit in them.”

Because I am fat.

But I didn’t say that.  Nope, I responded with “Yeah! That sounds like fun!”

Because I am not that girl who constantly wails to her friends “I’m so fat, I need to lose XX pounds, I hate myself,” and then wait for someone to contradict me and bolster my confidence.  Don’t get me wrong-I think it-but I never say it.  My pride won’t let me.

Because I know when they say “Oh honey, you’re not fat…” that they’re lying.

Because I know that I am.  And even though on the inside I’m not a fat girl, on the outside I am.

And it’s not just wearing other people’s clothes that I fret about.  When someone says the word ‘beach’ I’m immediately thrown into internal anxiety. 

Can I suck in my stomach for 8 hours? (No)

If they want to take pictures, what’s the most flattering pose for me? (Kneeling on the sand, arms on hips)

If I go running beforehand, will my stomach look smaller? (Only to me. But I’ll take it.)

How about shopping with my flat-tummied thin-legged friends? 

How can I get out of it? (Be sick. Or broke.)

If I have to go, what do I say when they ask me “I’ll help you look for that shirt-what size?”  (Say “Large,” then blame it on your boobs)

I can keep going and going. Because no matter what it is, being fat is always the first thing in my mind.  No matter how hard I try to push it away (and sometimes, I try really hard) it is still there. Lurking. Taunting me.

And I’m tired of being haunted, taunted, and stalked by my fat.

So with that, I’m off to do some cardio.

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Updates: I updated my Goals page with my current calorie goals if you want to check it out  (: